see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
