Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
