I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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