I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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