now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
