i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
