can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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