just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
