Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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