Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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