I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
