i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
