I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I am mentally ready for anal.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
