When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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