so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
