my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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