Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize