I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
