I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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