just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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