I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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