Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
