i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
