We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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