Just cropdusted the office
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize