He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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