I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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