Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
