He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
