He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
