The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
