when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
