Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
