Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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