I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
