I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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