that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
