Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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