Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
