right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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