so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
