At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
