Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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