My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
