my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
