You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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