Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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