evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
