in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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