My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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