Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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