I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
