Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
