im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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